PIN Numbers

For fuck's sake people, how hard is it to remember FOUR numbers?

Yet you always get the moron who farts around (and hopefully ends up having their card swallowed) who cannot remember their number.

Old people are the worst...they remember the war in crystal clarity, but it's all a fucking blank with pin numbers.

AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Vladimir Putin (The Russian Dictator)

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Okay, let's just get this straight Vladimir, so I understand correctly.

You ordered the assasination of over 20 journalists,

but left Jerry Springer Alive???????

What the fuck is all that about? Surely you could have sent that annoying guy some radioactive hair-gel or something?

You time wasting russian crook, Vlad.

News Reporters not wearing ties.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

When did this "Casual News" thing start?

You are a guest in millions of homes, and you dress as if you were called in to work on your day off.

Put a fucking tie on or get off my TV.

Disrespectful, scruffy bastards.

Young Travellers. Go and get a job

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"Oh god. It was just like, *so* amazing. It really broadened my mind, you know, meeting people from different cultures and experiencing how they live. I''ll never forget it"

Translation 1: Daddy paid for me to sit in a themed Irish pub in Sydney for two years getting fingered by Australian bricklayers at closing time.

Translation 2: Daddy paid for me to fuck under age Thai prostitutes.

Travellers are cunts.

X-Factor Viewers. You all need to get a life.

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Christ, I never thought I'd find myself saying this to anyone, but get a fucking life!

And no, "there's nothing else on" is NOT a fucking excuse for watching this barrel-scraping crap.

If you want to kill an hour, go out, listen to paint dry, or something, but for God's sake, PLEASE don't tell me about it on Monday.

The Royal fucking Family fucking annoy me.

Prince Philip.

Mohammed Al Fayed claims that.................. wait for it!

"Prince Philip was an MI6 spy"

Spy? Spy??????

Fucking SPY?????

This senile Greek cunt can't tie his own fucking shoelaces let alone pretend to be James Bond.

So pipe down old-timer, it was 10 years ago when your son and Princess Diana died. Just because you have a few million, it doesn't mean your family members don't accidentally die like everyone else's. You fez wearing fuck.


Prince Charles

Jug-eared waster who if he didn't have the luck of being born a prince, would not even get a job as a road sweeper.

The Queen

This bitch didn't step in when Margaret Thatcher created the poll tax.

You should have dissolved parliament you stupid women, that's what we pay you for.

Princess Diana (deceased)

I am not one to speak ill of the dead but, if you really were the "Princess of Hearts" and a Saint etc, then why didn't you leave that 32 Million Pounds Sterling to charity?

No, you Diana, left all that money to those two inbred mutant sons of yours, who would never ever need that money. They will be taken care of in oppulent luxury until the day they die. So why leave them all that money?

Princess of Hearts? More like "Princess of Arse"

Princes William and Harry

For fuck's sake do you really, really expect us to believe that those prize throbbers Wills and Harry seriously passed the officers course at Sandhurst?

I know a few hyperfit, hyper-intelligent people who struggled through that shit, yet these two uber-cunts get through grinning from ear to ear.

We know for a fact that losing your weapon is a court martial offence, but that cheesy mong Wills still sails through. As if anyone was seriously gonna give them a hard time or fail them... it's their granny's army for fucks sake.

I wouldn't give those two cunts a job flipping burgers, never mind leading the cream of our fighting men.

The Army top brass, you really are a set of privilege-loving cunts

Also, why is William going bald in his 20´s yet his brother has a hair-do like a ginger toilet brush??

NO WAY are they of the same father.

SUBWAY Sandwich "Artists"

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Firstly let me just point out the fucking obvious...Artist?

You slide a fucking bread roll along what can only be described as a fucking sandwich assembly line and fill it with meat and salad. (already sliced!) But you don't even create the sandwich do you?

No, the fucking customer tells you exactly what to put in it. Artist my arse!

Secondly, when I ask you for a £1.99 sub of the day all I want is a £1.99 sub of the day.

NO, I don't want extra meat.
NO, I don't want extra cheese.
NO, I don't want a cookie.
NO, I don't want a bag of crisps.
NO, I don't want a drink.

Minimum wage monkies!

Politicians all suck!

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For being the lowest, most lying-est, two faced, greedy, shady, corrupt, contemptible, whoring-est, worthless, wanked out sleaze-ridden bags of cunt scratchings off a camels hairy asshole ,that have ever slithered their rank, bloated, pus-filled, over stuffed and useless bodies over this godforsaken rock.

There is anal bacteria on pluto that have a higher worth than you bunch of fuckstumps.

I wish you all a good long stay ( preferably for eternity) in the festering cesspool you rectum raiders leaked out of.

Cunts, all of you!

Tom Fucking Jones

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You look like a potato with hair.

In fact no, you have a face like someone has stuffed a hundred walnuts into a condom.

By the way, that's not singing either.

Who told you you could sing you fucking screeching old welsh cunt?

Sex Bomb? More like Twat Bomb!

Do people actually PAY to watch him sing?

Yes, she's famous. Yes he's a prick!

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I mean, this is only a big deal if you are:

1. American
2. Britney Spears
3. Kevin Federline
4. Their Divorce Lawyers
5. A Sad Fucker.

Get a life people, there are millions of people dying in the world in wars, famine and shit like that.

Who gives a fuck about some over-the-hill bitch who I have never fucked?

Anyway, she has a voice like a cinder under a door!

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People who wear sunglasses indoors. STOP!

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You are everywhere, Cafes, Pubs, Trains. etc. You are not cool, hip, trendy or "with it" You are just a fucking dickhead.

Stop it........You annoy me and everyone who sees you.

If you are blind, I apologise, if you're not, you are a fucking idiot.

Scientists (who is paying these fuckers?)

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NEWSFLASH!

"Scientists discover one gets more sexual satisfaction after intercourse than masturbation".

Nice one guys, now how about cracking on with this whole 'cancer' pickle???

The biggest question is, who is dumb enough to pay a scientist to shag and wank anyway?

For fuck's sake. The world is really getting ridiculous now.

Umbrellas (read the instruction manual for fuck's sake)

Why do some idiots insist on having an umbrella up when its clearly not raining anymore?

Close it down you morons - the rain's fucking stopped.

Also,

don't walk around with it swinging in front of you, have it pointing down to the ground.

It's annoying when people need to risk walking into oncoming traffic to avoid being impaled on your crappy over-sized umbrella.

Have some fucking respect for other people you retards.

Veterinary Doctors (You robbing bastards)

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You shove a pill down my dog's throat and a thermometer up his arse.

Within 5 minutes you are charging me 50 quid for the pleasure.

Why don't I give you the shirt off my back too?

Overpaid fuckers.

Blue LEDs (just fucking stop it)

Manufacturers. Please, stop putting these fucking things in every consumer electrical device.

True, they were cool for all of 30 seconds about 5 years ago, but now I can't buy a fucking thing without a "Cool blue LED effect".

I can't focus on that stupid blue halo glare they give off, making it more of a chore to use.

Try a diffrent colour or go back to using red LEDs, you fucking bastards.

Dead Hamster. This is taking the piss now!

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A new wheel and cage and you're dead!!

You dare to die on me, the night before I plan to give you to my disabled cousin for her birthday and you're fucking dead!

YOU FUCKING STONE COLD DEAD HAIRY BASTARD!

Worse than fucking Wasps hamsters are.

Hamsters die for no reason, and wasps sting for no reason.

Evil, irritating, sting-you-for-no-fucking reason-other-than-they-feel-like-it little bastards, another reason to hate the Summer (other than tourists)

all-round yellow and black striped zebra wannabee wankers who were the reason jam-jars were invented, just so I can lure the unsuspecting littlle fuckers to their demise....buzzing flying cunts.

Go to hell you Wasps and Hamsters (and Zebras)

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Becks "Beer" suck donkey balls

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I believe the publicity, it may indeed only take "four steps to produce".


1. piss in a bucket.

2. throw in a used tampon.

3. add yeast via a hobos sock.

4. bottle and sell to idiots with no taste.


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Zebras. Get off my fucking television

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Okay,





On the rare occasion that I get to sit down and watch some TV, I may be tempted to flick to the Discovery Channel (if SouthPark isn't on). I am assuming that Discovery already know we are all now know everything there is to know about Sharks and Nazis.

Guess what. Now it is fucking Zebras.

Zebras this,.........zebras that.......... etc.

Listen executives at the Discovery Channel, there is nothing special about Zebras okay? They are just horses with stupid stripes, running around in Africa.

Not so cocky when they have a lion hanging of their arses are they?

Writers with so called "writer's block" annoy me!

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So you're a writer (or at least you claim to be)

Listen pal, if you can't think of something to write, then you're shit at your job which make you NOT A WRITER.

Don't blame an abstract concept for your inability to do what you're paid to do you talentless fuckers.

Women on trains. JUST STOP!

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"So he said to her...and she said to him...and did you know that...and you'll never guess what...and oh really...and no way...and yes way.....what a cow....etc......"

WILL YOU PAIR OF IDIOTS SHUT THE FUCK UP LONG ENOUGH SO I CAN READ MY PAPER JUST ONE MORNING A WEEK??

Chattering bitches!