PIN Numbers

For fuck's sake people, how hard is it to remember FOUR numbers?

Yet you always get the moron who farts around (and hopefully ends up having their card swallowed) who cannot remember their number.

Old people are the worst...they remember the war in crystal clarity, but it's all a fucking blank with pin numbers.

AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Vladimir Putin (The Russian Dictator)

.
Okay, let's just get this straight Vladimir, so I understand correctly.

You ordered the assasination of over 20 journalists,

but left Jerry Springer Alive???????

What the fuck is all that about? Surely you could have sent that annoying guy some radioactive hair-gel or something?

You time wasting russian crook, Vlad.

News Reporters not wearing ties.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

When did this "Casual News" thing start?

You are a guest in millions of homes, and you dress as if you were called in to work on your day off.

Put a fucking tie on or get off my TV.

Disrespectful, scruffy bastards.

Young Travellers. Go and get a job

.
"Oh god. It was just like, *so* amazing. It really broadened my mind, you know, meeting people from different cultures and experiencing how they live. I''ll never forget it"

Translation 1: Daddy paid for me to sit in a themed Irish pub in Sydney for two years getting fingered by Australian bricklayers at closing time.

Translation 2: Daddy paid for me to fuck under age Thai prostitutes.

Travellers are cunts.

X-Factor Viewers. You all need to get a life.

.
Christ, I never thought I'd find myself saying this to anyone, but get a fucking life!

And no, "there's nothing else on" is NOT a fucking excuse for watching this barrel-scraping crap.

If you want to kill an hour, go out, listen to paint dry, or something, but for God's sake, PLEASE don't tell me about it on Monday.

The Royal fucking Family fucking annoy me.

Prince Philip.

Mohammed Al Fayed claims that.................. wait for it!

"Prince Philip was an MI6 spy"

Spy? Spy??????

Fucking SPY?????

This senile Greek cunt can't tie his own fucking shoelaces let alone pretend to be James Bond.

So pipe down old-timer, it was 10 years ago when your son and Princess Diana died. Just because you have a few million, it doesn't mean your family members don't accidentally die like everyone else's. You fez wearing fuck.


Prince Charles

Jug-eared waster who if he didn't have the luck of being born a prince, would not even get a job as a road sweeper.

The Queen

This bitch didn't step in when Margaret Thatcher created the poll tax.

You should have dissolved parliament you stupid women, that's what we pay you for.

Princess Diana (deceased)

I am not one to speak ill of the dead but, if you really were the "Princess of Hearts" and a Saint etc, then why didn't you leave that 32 Million Pounds Sterling to charity?

No, you Diana, left all that money to those two inbred mutant sons of yours, who would never ever need that money. They will be taken care of in oppulent luxury until the day they die. So why leave them all that money?

Princess of Hearts? More like "Princess of Arse"

Princes William and Harry

For fuck's sake do you really, really expect us to believe that those prize throbbers Wills and Harry seriously passed the officers course at Sandhurst?

I know a few hyperfit, hyper-intelligent people who struggled through that shit, yet these two uber-cunts get through grinning from ear to ear.

We know for a fact that losing your weapon is a court martial offence, but that cheesy mong Wills still sails through. As if anyone was seriously gonna give them a hard time or fail them... it's their granny's army for fucks sake.

I wouldn't give those two cunts a job flipping burgers, never mind leading the cream of our fighting men.

The Army top brass, you really are a set of privilege-loving cunts

Also, why is William going bald in his 20´s yet his brother has a hair-do like a ginger toilet brush??

NO WAY are they of the same father.

SUBWAY Sandwich "Artists"

.
Firstly let me just point out the fucking obvious...Artist?

You slide a fucking bread roll along what can only be described as a fucking sandwich assembly line and fill it with meat and salad. (already sliced!) But you don't even create the sandwich do you?

No, the fucking customer tells you exactly what to put in it. Artist my arse!

Secondly, when I ask you for a £1.99 sub of the day all I want is a £1.99 sub of the day.

NO, I don't want extra meat.
NO, I don't want extra cheese.
NO, I don't want a cookie.
NO, I don't want a bag of crisps.
NO, I don't want a drink.

Minimum wage monkies!

Politicians all suck!

.
For being the lowest, most lying-est, two faced, greedy, shady, corrupt, contemptible, whoring-est, worthless, wanked out sleaze-ridden bags of cunt scratchings off a camels hairy asshole ,that have ever slithered their rank, bloated, pus-filled, over stuffed and useless bodies over this godforsaken rock.

There is anal bacteria on pluto that have a higher worth than you bunch of fuckstumps.

I wish you all a good long stay ( preferably for eternity) in the festering cesspool you rectum raiders leaked out of.

Cunts, all of you!

Tom Fucking Jones

.
You look like a potato with hair.

In fact no, you have a face like someone has stuffed a hundred walnuts into a condom.

By the way, that's not singing either.

Who told you you could sing you fucking screeching old welsh cunt?

Sex Bomb? More like Twat Bomb!

Do people actually PAY to watch him sing?

Yes, she's famous. Yes he's a prick!

.
I mean, this is only a big deal if you are:

1. American
2. Britney Spears
3. Kevin Federline
4. Their Divorce Lawyers
5. A Sad Fucker.

Get a life people, there are millions of people dying in the world in wars, famine and shit like that.

Who gives a fuck about some over-the-hill bitch who I have never fucked?

Anyway, she has a voice like a cinder under a door!

.

People who wear sunglasses indoors. STOP!

.
You are everywhere, Cafes, Pubs, Trains. etc. You are not cool, hip, trendy or "with it" You are just a fucking dickhead.

Stop it........You annoy me and everyone who sees you.

If you are blind, I apologise, if you're not, you are a fucking idiot.

Scientists (who is paying these fuckers?)

.
NEWSFLASH!

"Scientists discover one gets more sexual satisfaction after intercourse than masturbation".

Nice one guys, now how about cracking on with this whole 'cancer' pickle???

The biggest question is, who is dumb enough to pay a scientist to shag and wank anyway?

For fuck's sake. The world is really getting ridiculous now.

Umbrellas (read the instruction manual for fuck's sake)

Why do some idiots insist on having an umbrella up when its clearly not raining anymore?

Close it down you morons - the rain's fucking stopped.

Also,

don't walk around with it swinging in front of you, have it pointing down to the ground.

It's annoying when people need to risk walking into oncoming traffic to avoid being impaled on your crappy over-sized umbrella.

Have some fucking respect for other people you retards.

Veterinary Doctors (You robbing bastards)

.
You shove a pill down my dog's throat and a thermometer up his arse.

Within 5 minutes you are charging me 50 quid for the pleasure.

Why don't I give you the shirt off my back too?

Overpaid fuckers.

Blue LEDs (just fucking stop it)

Manufacturers. Please, stop putting these fucking things in every consumer electrical device.

True, they were cool for all of 30 seconds about 5 years ago, but now I can't buy a fucking thing without a "Cool blue LED effect".

I can't focus on that stupid blue halo glare they give off, making it more of a chore to use.

Try a diffrent colour or go back to using red LEDs, you fucking bastards.

Dead Hamster. This is taking the piss now!

.

A new wheel and cage and you're dead!!

You dare to die on me, the night before I plan to give you to my disabled cousin for her birthday and you're fucking dead!

YOU FUCKING STONE COLD DEAD HAIRY BASTARD!

Worse than fucking Wasps hamsters are.

Hamsters die for no reason, and wasps sting for no reason.

Evil, irritating, sting-you-for-no-fucking reason-other-than-they-feel-like-it little bastards, another reason to hate the Summer (other than tourists)

all-round yellow and black striped zebra wannabee wankers who were the reason jam-jars were invented, just so I can lure the unsuspecting littlle fuckers to their demise....buzzing flying cunts.

Go to hell you Wasps and Hamsters (and Zebras)

.

Becks "Beer" suck donkey balls

.
I believe the publicity, it may indeed only take "four steps to produce".


1. piss in a bucket.

2. throw in a used tampon.

3. add yeast via a hobos sock.

4. bottle and sell to idiots with no taste.


.

Zebras. Get off my fucking television

.


Okay,





On the rare occasion that I get to sit down and watch some TV, I may be tempted to flick to the Discovery Channel (if SouthPark isn't on). I am assuming that Discovery already know we are all now know everything there is to know about Sharks and Nazis.

Guess what. Now it is fucking Zebras.

Zebras this,.........zebras that.......... etc.

Listen executives at the Discovery Channel, there is nothing special about Zebras okay? They are just horses with stupid stripes, running around in Africa.

Not so cocky when they have a lion hanging of their arses are they?

Writers with so called "writer's block" annoy me!

.
So you're a writer (or at least you claim to be)

Listen pal, if you can't think of something to write, then you're shit at your job which make you NOT A WRITER.

Don't blame an abstract concept for your inability to do what you're paid to do you talentless fuckers.

Women on trains. JUST STOP!

.
"So he said to her...and she said to him...and did you know that...and you'll never guess what...and oh really...and no way...and yes way.....what a cow....etc......"

WILL YOU PAIR OF IDIOTS SHUT THE FUCK UP LONG ENOUGH SO I CAN READ MY PAPER JUST ONE MORNING A WEEK??

Chattering bitches!

Tent Manufacturers. Stop misleading people!!!

.
Okay, I go to the store and buy a tent.

It says on the box 2 MAN tent. So I use it andf guess what, I can only fit myself in and perhaps a midget (assuming one is available).

Why do they call it a 2 MAN tent????

I go back to the store and complain, the guy says.

"Its normal, what you need is a 3 MAN tent, and I have a special tent here, its called a 2 Second tent".

So I bought one and went camping.

INSTRUCTION MANUAL SAYS

Congratulations on your purchase of a MK3 2 Second Tent.

MOUNTING INSTRUCTIONS.

Pull the flap on the bag and allow the tent to t burst out in 2 seconds. Your tent is now ready, totally errected, ready for sleeping.

Amazing???? (not quite)

PACKING INSTRUCTIONS

You will need the following to put your tent back in the storage bag.

1. Several hours of your precious time.

2. A degree in Physics.

3. The entire ship's company of the USS KittyHawk.

Your tent is now ready for storage.

For fuck's sake!

STOP MISLEADING THE PUBLIC, YOU TENT MANUFACTURERS.

Asteroids! Arrggghhhhh!!!!!!!

.
You huge rocky fuckers that regularly threaten to obliterate all life on Earth, then invariably fucking miss by about 700,000 miles.

Get a GPS unit you extraterrestrial "couldn't hit a barn door" space retards or stay off my fucking news station!

Men who wear skinny tight jeans.

.
I don't understand you and you scare me.

You fucking weirdos.

Airport "Security"???? Fuck you and the horses you rode in on!

.
NO LIGHTERS! NO LIQUIDS! ENORMOUS FUCKING QUEUES!

Funny then every time over the last month, after standing in line like a fucking idiot for 40 minutes, I've walked through with a rucksack containing cigs, lighters, moisturiser and shower gel.

So you're not REALLY checking, or just pretending a bit, so committed terrorists get a little nervous.

What a pile of absolute bollocks!

Boring people suck!

.
Sitting in watching Discovery documentary after Discovery documentary with their lives and then getting all hoity toity and dissaproving when you mention that you have a life outside of work and home.

Has someone not hand his tiny little girlish penis stroked by someone else for a very long time????

Is that why you're so uptight? Is it?

Yes, i think it is.

'Can i call you back...?'

.
"...It's just that you've caught me in the middle of a meeting/shag/wanking/shit/something more important than talking to you."

Why do these fuckwits answer the phone if they're in the middle of something so friggin important?

Wankers!

Gun totin` Americans

.
Are you fucking even stupider than you look? Preventing more school shootings by arming teachers...for fucks' sake.

Get a fuckin` grip you twats.

30 miles an hour????

.
Has anyone ever tried actually driving at this speed? Soul sapping "what is the fuckin point" dire nonsense of a speed limit.

Hurry up with the hovercars or some shit you scientist retards.

Israel, Hamas, Hezbollah, USA, Al-Queda etc...

.
No-one's got the time or inclination to get in to WWIII, so will you stroppy twats all calm the fuck down, please!

If you wanna kill each other, do it on the bastard moon or something.

Thats what NASA was for wasn't it?

NEO
ARSEHOLE
SPACE
ADMINISTRATION

Damn, I forgot, you faked the moon landings, or at least MGM did it for you.

Jumped up editors (scum of the earth)

.
They are morons, in particular those who are given 'special' projects at BBC so that their big spacky hands don't crash the whole BBC empire.

Flabby waste of space carrion with little or no trace of human ability or life in them. Likely to ask what Hay On Wye festival is even if they're supposed to be a literary expert, or what the Glastonbury festival is, even though they're a music 'buff'.

Traits:

1.) Disorganised to the point of utter fuckdom.

2.) Incompetent- to the point where you want to stab your own eyes out rather than work for them.

3.) Twattishness- and twats of the highest order at that. Slobbering little retarded fuck-sicles.

If they didn't get bummed by some BBC chief when they were younger, these fuck-tards would be asking people for spare change on the subway now.

Celebrity Magazines Suck Donkey Balls

.
Who gives two fucks about which diet some tart is on this week?

Who gives two fucks which z-lister is getting a good dicking this week?

The world is going to shit and you all spend £1 at least, polluting both your mind and your soul with this?

Be brave and give that £1 to charity, just for one week - and just read the mag in your local store if you are that addicted to celebrity trash.

For fucks sake!

BBQs suck!

.
You bastard of a contraption, I can't keep away from you.

I fucking stink of smoke, I'm covered in burns and you keep fucking up my food, why can't I keep away from you and use the oven?

You charcoal burning cunt.

TV Program Makers

.
Here's a new show for you, I sit in the room with all you "Executives".

I have a loaded gun and everytime you come up with an idea that I don't like I shoot one of you in the head.

We can televise the meeting and let the viewers phone in to decide who I execute last.

Much more fun than FUCKING Big Brother, don't you think?

Girls who can't walk straight

.
I don't care if you took one up the wrongen last night. I don't care if you're 4 stone overweight or "with it".

How fucking difficult is it to walk in a straight line when leaving a train station at rush hour?

Unblinkered bitches!

Using obscure quotes (its annoying)

.
People who reference obscure quotations to make a point - leave it there, you have made your smug literary point, those who get it, get it, those who don't will never ever ever be impressed by you pointing out the source of the quote.

"People who use obscure quotations are wankers"
Napoleon Bonaparte 1812

"Kinder Surprise" Eggs things

.

Yes, I do fucking realise that 'kind' means 'child' or 'kid' or whatever the cunt you want it to mean you foreign fuck, but for the love of god, make a bar of chocolate, that does not come filled with a shit little waste of a toy.

All i want is a good suck on your luscious chocolate.

Greenpeace (those eco-hippy people)

.
I can say this with every bit of confidence; these people are worse than Nazi Paedophiles, the only thing they're doing is making the world WORSE.

A bunch of ill-informed, arrogant, jobless, vegan bastards with rich parents.

People like that should NOT be telling everyone how we can improve the world because they've no clue what constitutes an ideal world.In an ideal world, there wouldn't be any starvation, yet when GM crops were introduced, you persuaded a nation naive to scientific advances that GM crops will kill them and turn their new borns into mutants with NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER to back this up, other than stating it's "unnatural", so they turned it down.

Congratulations, you get to keep your HQ's around the world, get your advertising plastered around Glastonbury every time, you have influence in both the political and social world, you've doomed the lives of over a BILLION people, and your membership is growning by the day.

Go to hell Greenpeace, and take the horses you rode in on with you.

Attracting nutters in the street

.
I'm standing at the bus stop minding my own business.

You stand near me and smile. I totally ignore you. You start coming closer to me. I move away slowly.

You try and strike a conversion and trying not to be rude, I give you monosylabic answers. This gives you the go ahead to think that I'm now your new best friend.

Leave me you alone, you loon!!!!

Tom-Tom GPS Advertisment (sucks)

.
.
"Steve Steve, do I turn left?"

"Steve Steve, where now?"

Hopefully to the depths of hell with your advertising creator, his parents, siblings, children and everyone he went to school with.

It needs to end here.

Please!

UK Weetabix Students

"They're just like so great, if you haven't got any milk, you can put anything else on them!

"Weetabix with Smoothie!"

What, so you haven't got a 35p pint of semi-skimmed, but you're happy to tip a two-quid bottle of fruit-juice-for-wankers over your breakfast?

I'll remember that next time you bastards protest about student debt.

Tossers!

George Lucas (stop annoying me, you dwarf)

.
Fuck off and write something that involves people acting, not just waving their arms about in front of a blue screen.

If I liked CGI that much I would stick my dick in a PlayStation.

That character with the floppy ears that walked like Huggy Bear from Starski and Hutch sucked too.

Mind you, so did Starski and fucking Hutch.

Fat people who are comfortable with themselves!

I'm not surprised, it must be like having a pillow permanently attached to your backside.

"Its just big bones"

Yeah, big bones covered in meat and gravy.

"I eat the occasional sweet"

Yeah, fucking three-piece-suite by the look of things.

You are not "comfortable with it", just can't be bothered to do any excercise, you waffle eating cunts.

Victoria Beckham's new haircut

What the fuck is this shit doing in my newspaper?

Who gives a flying fuck is she has had her extensions cut off? The skinny twiglet-bodied cunt.

Annoying 'Microsoft Office' Animated Paperclip thing!

"I see you're writing a letter."

I'd be writing it a lot faster if you'd just FUCK OFF, YOU PATRONISING CUNT.

Einstein option is even more annoying.

Get off my COMP!

'Apple' devotees

If Steve Jobs did a shit, you monkies would probably all salivate over it, shortly before you complain it scratches easily.

Wake up you daft cunts, buy a proper computer.

Calling someone a wanker

In all the American movies, they always have an English guy calling everyone a "wanker".

How is that an insult?

If I could get out of working I'd sit at home watching porn and spanking my monkey until I became unconscious.

And who would I be hurting? No-one.

Exactly!

German Backpackers

Ruin my holiday by turning up EVERYWHERE and trying to be friends with me.

On the train, in the pub, in the backpacking hostel. Some of these idiots are 50 years old and not hippies and yet are still backpacking.

Check into a B&B you twats like everyone else your age. They have no sense of humour, are a bunch of pedantic twats and complain about everyone and everything in our country.

I know I am going to hate Germany so I don't go there on holiday. Why the fuck come here for a holdiay if you know you are going to hate it?

Stupid dicks.

ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Just signed up to this BLOG BS!!!

Choose Name...
Sorry name taken.
Choose Name...
Sorry name taken
Choose Name...Name accepted
Press submit to continue......
Sorry the page you have requested has expired.


Time wasting, ineffective, bastards!